In today's busy and complicated world, taking care of ourselves has never been more important. “Self-care” has become a bit of a buzzword in the world of personal wellness, but it's one that also comes up often in therapy sessions. In my time as a counselor, I’ve seen time and time again how difficult the concept of self-care can be to discuss, understand, and fully realize in a person’s life. With this blog post, I aim to explore the concept of self-care, clear up misconceptions about selfishness, and discuss how important it is to nurture ourselves while maintaining healthy relationships with others.
What do we mean by “self-care"?
Self-care is a broadly defined term, including a variety of intentional actions we take to promote our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It is a vital practice that allows us to recharge, manage stress, and enhance our overall quality of life. It involves setting boundaries, prioritizing our needs, and engaging in activities that bring us joy and rejuvenation.
At its most basic, self-care is about self-preservation. It requires honesty about what our needs are, including physical, emotional, and interpersonal needs. It involves recognizing when we need to step back, recharge, and focus on ourselves. Practicing self-care involves activities, such as practicing mindfulness, engaging in hobbies, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, seeking therapy, and fostering positive relationships. Just as often, self-care involves setting boundaries with others, engaging in clear and honest communication, and navigating conflict between ourselves and others. By engaging in these activities, we prioritize our well-being, boost our resilience, and enhance our ability to navigate life's challenges.
Pushing back on the myth of selfishness
One common misconception surrounding self-care is the belief that it is selfish to focus on yourself when others need something from you. This is a common refrain in therapy sessions – clients who are feeling burnt out and stretched too thin, taking care of everyone and allowing their own needs to be at the very bottom of their priority list. This behavior is often encouraged by family, peers, coworkers, and bosses. Many people derive a strong sense of self from their role as a caretaker, provider, or protector – role identities that often feel counter to the concept of self-care.
It's important to discredit this myth and recognize that self-care is not about ignoring others’ needs or neglecting important responsibilities. In fact, practicing self-care enables us to be more present, compassionate, and supportive in our relationships. “You can’t pour from an empty cup” is a phrase that captures the importance of self-care. If taking care of others is important to you, it’s important to recognize that you can’t do that effectively if your needs are not met.
If you watched the video above, you know that there is a case to be made for “healthy selfishness;” however, this is not what people tend to have in mind when using the word. Unhealthy selfishness might be defined as a lack of consideration for others, an unwillingness to compromise, and a lack of care for how your actions affect others. “Selfish” behavior often stems from entitlement and difficulty empathizing with others. “Selfish” individuals prioritize their own needs at the expense of others, without regard for the impact on those around them.
In contrast, self-care is rooted in self-awareness, self-compassion, and understanding the importance of nurturing ourselves to be better equipped to support others. By prioritizing self-care, we recognize the value of our lives and the validity of our own needs. In doing so, we ensure that we have the physical and emotional resources necessary to be there for our loved ones. It is not about ignoring others but rather about finding a healthier balance between caring for ourselves and caring for others.
Balancing self and others
Humans are incredibly social beings by definition, and healthy relationships are vital for our personal well-being. However, it can often feel challenging to balance our personal well-being with the needs of others. The people in our lives often demand that their needs be met, or the consequences of not meeting those needs can seem deeply threatening to us.
This lack of balance can come as a result of malicious or selfish behavior on the part of others – abusive partners and demanding work environments are prime examples – but they need not be intentional. Any parent knows the struggle of taking care of children whose needs often seem never-ending and immediately important. It’s not an accident that most new parents are exhausted and personally neglected due to the intensity and immediacy of their child’s needs.
However, it's important to recognize that self-care and relationships are not mutually exclusive. Striking a balance requires effective communication, setting boundaries, and fostering mutual respect.
Open, honest conversations with our loved ones can help us express our needs and ensure they align with the dynamics of our relationships. It's essential to remember that self-care is not an all-or-nothing concept. We can engage in self-care activities while still being present and available for our partners, family members, and friends.
Setting boundaries is another crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy balance. Communicating our limits and being assertive about our needs helps prevent burnout and fosters mutual understanding. By setting boundaries, we can create space for self-care without compromising the quality of our relationships.
Mutual respect plays a vital role in balancing self-care and relationships. Respecting our own needs and boundaries sets an example for others to do the same. It can also help us to recognize people in our lives who may not necessarily have our best intentions in mind. When we insist on making space for our well-being, we model self-care as a positive and necessary practice, encouraging our loved ones to do the same.
Overcoming guilt and social pressure
Guilt about self-care can often come from social pressure, and it can often hinder our ability to engage in self-care. We may feel guilty for taking time for ourselves or feel compelled to prioritize the needs of others above our own. This pressure can come directly from others, but it can also be internalized due to childhood experiences and the values of the culture in which we live. In a culture that glorifies busyness and productivity, we may feel compelled to constantly be on the go, neglecting our needs in the process. However, it's crucial to challenge these societal norms and prioritize self-care as an essential component of a well-rounded and fulfilling life. Overcoming these barriers requires challenging the beliefs and narratives that perpetuate the guilt associated with self-care.
Putting ideas into action
If you struggle with self-care, you may benefit from discussing this challenge in counseling. In therapy, we unpack internalized beliefs and unnoticed habits that may be leading you to prioritize others over yourself. Examining yourself in a therapeutic way can help shed light on personal barriers to self-care and spark new ideas on how to better tend to your needs. It can also help you understand how to communicate your needs to others, set healthier boundaries, and remove yourself from unhealthy dynamics. Consider scheduling an appointment, and together, we can help you understand your needs better and care for them in a way that improves your life and enhances your relationship with others.